Do-It-Yourself: Funny Wedding Speeches

© by Mark Pommett; all rights reserved

Public Speaking isn't for a lot of people. Public speaking at your own wedding? How about a funny wedding speech? That is, for a bulk of the masses, the unquestionable worst experience possible. You have to stand up and make statements that people will remember in combination with this most important occasion in your life, without giving undue wrongdoing to anyone.

As a matter of fact, remember the cardinal rules of speechmaking: Tell the reception what you're going to go over. In particular, keep the tone light, and keep an air of levity in your presentation. Make them crack up. Make them grin.

If you're the groom, thank everyone who helped you with the wedding. Sometimes, being the groom at a wedding is sort of like being the prize steer at a stock show. The wedding organizer coordinates everything, your bride-to-be is looking more beautiful than ever, and all you have to do is wear a tuxedo jacket, hand her the ring and not screw up.

Bless your bride. Dignify the bridesmaids. Tout your bride's family, and thank them for raising the wonderful woman you're spending the rest of your life with. Praise your best man, and rationalize that the inceptive duties of the best man were to quarrel off the brides brothers and cousins while the groom had time to avoid with her through a window for a massive elopement.

Do take the time to point out your solo cronies in the reception. They'll appreciate it later, when they get singled out by the family of the wedding party trying to set them up. Do take the time to thank your parents for helping sanction the ceremony.

And then, you need to propose a toast. Now, you've proposed a toast to your wife, your future in-laws, and your parents, so the limits of duty have been satisfied. The final commencing toast is traditionally meant to be funny, but be aware of the gusto of the wedding party. Something that's a scream to a person in their 20s may be downright abhorrent to their grandparents, and you don't want to go down as being the man who offended everyone. Here are some classics:

"Here's to our wives and our loves. May they never meet."

"I've put this date in my calendar. The best way to remember a wedding anniversary is to forget it once."

"Marriage is the union where man and woman become one. The trouble comes in when they try to decide which one."

If you're the best man, you have the best gig at the wedding. You get to tell folklore about "Remember when" and embarrass the groom. In particular, praise the bride-to-be to the high heavens, then ask her if she's taken leave of her senses for marrying your amigo. She'll laugh, everyone else will laugh, and the festivities can begin. So, delivering a funny wedding speech isn't that hard after all.